As recovery continues past the early days of cleaning up our behaviors, attitudes, and actions, we seem to be ticking off the boxes of what we thought successful recovery might look like. But even as we finally see some of the goals we have set for ourselves becoming reality, we should be careful to not let our addiction thinking define successful living in recovery. Addiction defined success would look like this:
- No triggers
- No stress
- No anxiety
- No anger
- No sadness
- No boredom
- No uncertainty
- No mistakes
At first glance this seems to be a desirable list. But when did we stop being human? Doesn’t this sound like perfection, not progress? These goals are the evidence of making progress, but failure to be perfect in these areas does NOT mean failure.
So, what would a more healthy, balanced view of progress in these areas look like?
Triggers
Triggers are not the problem in my life. My response to them is the challenge. Having no triggers would mean that I no longer remember where I came from and have stopped interacting with my world. Being presented with a trigger is an opportunity to review my tools, the truths I have come to believe, and practice good choices. Having a life with no triggers sounds easy, but it isn’t realistic and would result in weakness as I wouldn’t exercise my choices. Instead I can anticipate where or when I might encounter a trigger, and be prepared with an action plan on what steps to take to stay healthy and on the road of recovery.
Stress
Life will always have stressful situations. We experience stress when we encounter things we didn’t anticipate; unexpected crises; or unplanned outcomes. Stress isn’t entirely bad. Stress is what enables us to focus on the important, push aside the trivial, and seemingly exceed our own capabilities. But we can’t live there long. And it wears us out. We really can’t run away from stress. But understanding how it affects us and healthy ways to care for ourselves can equip us to manage it well.
Anxiety
As a non-omnipotent being, there will always be situations in front of me that I will not have the power to control. That used to drive me to anxiety as I fretted over that fact and my powerlessness. Now that I can accept that and let go of the shame of not being powerful enough to fix everything, I can learn to manage my anxiety in a more healthy way. As I face upcoming issues, I can listen to my anxiety and note why it is there, where is it coming from, what my options are, and what things can I manage or change.
Anger
My anger surfaced as my frustration at not being able to control people’s thoughts, words, actions, or be able to control the outcome of my circumstances. Once again, life will be full of situations where I encounter people and events that I cannot control, that I cannot change or fix. But that doesn’t mean I have to turn to anger. I already know that I am powerless to do that. So as I grow in my acceptance of this aspect of surrender, I can tell myself truth about the situation, about myself, about others that will help me disconnect from anger. I can learn processes or steps I can take to help me calm my emotions and think clearly. Each scenario I encounter is an opportunity to work on that process and practice the steps that will help me make anger less of a character defect in my life.
Sadness
When I experience loss or remember things in my past that did not result as I wanted them, I can experience sadness. Sadness is one of those catch-all labels that often got all the negative emotions. It was huge and undefinable. No wonder we wanted to run away from it. But instead of running away, we can delve in deeper and understand what we are actually feeling. Could it be lonely, vulnerable, despair, guilty, depressed, hurt? Or even isolated, abandoned, victimized, fragile, grief, powerless, ashamed, remorseful, empty, inferior, disappointed, embarrassed? Understanding what I am actually feeling and why is a start in being able to examine the statements and principles I am believing about myself. That can help me walk through it in a healthy way and not be crippled by it.
Boredom
When I have unscheduled and unsupervised time, it can result in boredom. I know how I used to fill up free time, and that got me into trouble. It does take a while for those mental habits to fade. So we tend to want to run from free time and fill our lives with busyness and supervision so we won’t have choices In which to fail. But what we are perceiving as dangerous free time can become the elusive peace and tranquility that so many search for. To be able to sit alone, quietly, and think healthy thoughts, and feel healthy feelings is a gift and a blessing. To be able to embrace that and welcome it is something that I want to strive towards in my growth in recovery.
Uncertainty
I wonder if I really have a problem with uncertainty, or with the possible rejection and disapproval after I make a wrong choice. As a non-omniscient being, I know I won’t always make perfect choices. But I don’t have to be frozen in indecision nor terrified of a bad decision. I can approach the issue in a healthy way, gathering information, accepting input and wisdom, discussing my options, and reviewing the implications. All that can help me manage my fears of making a decision in a healthy way. Being in recovery does not mean I will be supremely confident and right all the time. It just means I use healthier ways to make decisions and in how I treat myself.
Mistakes
Mistakes can be closely related to uncertainty in making life decisions. But it could also involve the dreaded slips and relapses we have heard about that some don’t come back from. In the early days of recovery, we are so focused on portraying the accepted set of behaviors that will NOT result in separation, divorce, jail, that we assume mistakes are not allowed. Sometimes we have actually heard those words: “This is your last chance.” But this isn’t a healthy environment. If we do make a bad choice, we may be tempted to continue hiding and lying about it like we used to. I was surprised to see that my slips and mistakes once in recovery were very different. I felt them more deeply. They motivated me more thoroughly. I am actually glad that I had a few slips and relapses along the way. It is a great cure for pride and bigheadedness. But it also told me that is where I DON’T want to be. If you can recover in that kind of understanding and forgiving environment, you are not only blessed, but you have a greater chance of seeing your life and those around you transformed by what you are learning.
So success in recovery for me has become being the imperfect, damaged person that I am, with the freedom to keep making mistakes, but learning from them, to keep being affected by hurtful circumstances, but dealing with them healthily, to be at peace with myself and not needing to pretend to be anyone else.