What is different this time that makes you think you can stop masturbating when you have tried to stop hundreds or thousands of times before? Well, THIS time, you have support, community, resources, practical advice, and accountability. And some of that comes from those that have been right where you are and found some of these things to be true and helpful.
Approach
If you don’t change anything, nothing will be different. Pretty obvious, huh? But in this case, it means that if you don’t change key aspects of your acting out ritual, don’t expect that you will simply stop because this time you really want to. What are those key aspects? Some of those elements are: Environment, Location, Time, Opportunity, and Triggers.
Environment
This is one that you may not be able to change easily. It has to do with your living situation. If you live by yourself, or have housemates but have your own room, you will have less “built-in” supervision or accountability. If you are able to adjust your living environment to one that includes more accountability, where others are present frequently, and you are alone and unmonitored less, that can be a helpful step towards sobriety. I know a guy that chose to live with 4 other guys and in a shared room because he knew it would be better for him.
Location
Regardless of your environment, you probably have a regular routine, and your masturbation habits are linked to that. If there are several locations that always seem to be associated with your acting out, then note them and try to find a way to disrupt that. For example, showers, toilets, and beds tend to figure prominently. Why? It is a private place, you are naked or partially unclothed, and you have access to your penis. Early on, you may have sought out these places because you wanted to act out. But now, in a weird reverse Pavlovian dog thing, when you are in these places, you suddenly want to act out. There are some practical tips on dealing with showers and bathrooms in the blog post Slip Guards. You can’t stay away from these places, but you can take action to change what happens there.
- What are my locations in which I usually act out?
Time
If you have a fairly regular routine, you may find that you are triggered to act out at particular times of day. For example, waking up, in the morning shower, after work, or at night going to bed.
Waking Up
This one is mentioned the most due to the common issue of a morning boner. It is completely normal for a healthy male to have an erection while he is asleep. The gates that keep the blood out of your penis relax while you are asleep, and you get a non-sexual erection. When you wake up, you assume it is sexually oriented and you take advantage of your being primed and ready. You can manage that by remembering these medical facts and by simply saying “No, thank you” and moving on with your day. Your body will close the gates and your erection will go down within a few minutes.
Morning Shower
For some this is a difficult time as you are in a private place, naked, and may have just woken up with an erection. That is a lot of ingredients of acting out all at one time. Since you can’t give up taking showers, you will have to focus on changing what happens there. Some key ingredients of getting out of the shower sober are: 1) a short shower 2) wash your penis quickly 3) reduce privacy by leaving the door open or using a clear shower curtain.
After Work/School
There may be several reasons why this time is vulnerable. If you change your clothes when you get home, there is an opportunity where you are private and are unclothed. It also may be the first opportunity to rest, relax, and spend some “me” time. Early on, you may have had to wait for this time to act out. And now, that time reminds you of the opportunity to act out. To get through this time, purpose to not dawdle, change quickly, and leave your room.
Going to Bed
This one is also universally reported. It is probably where we first discovered our nocturnal erections and the covers provided the privacy necessary. Some have reported that they find it difficult or impossible to go to sleep without masturbating. That is probably a chemical addiction to the hormones released after orgasm. You might consider taking melatonin each night before you go to bed to replace that calming hormone after an orgasm.
You should be able to use a step down process by reducing your frequency from every night to every other night, then every 3 days, then once a week, and then maybe not again. Other ideas to get through this time sober are: 1) wear pajamas or shorts 2) keep your hands out of your shorts 3) no phone in bed. There are some additional thoughts on wet dreams in the blog post Determining Sobriety.
- What are the times when I usually act out?
Opportunity
All of the location and time situations so far could all be considered opportunities. So, this one actually refers to an unusual opportunity that you don’t normally have. This happens when someone who is normally home goes out for the afternoon, overnight, or weekend. For example your wife and kids leave for the weekend to visit the grandparents or your roommate will be out of town over the weekend. This creates opportunity where it wasn’t before. Someone who faces it every day has likely developed an action plan and approach to stay sober. Someone who doesn’t, may find the temptation of being unsupervised overwhelming. Some ways to stay sober in this situation are: 1) check it in (sponsor or peer) 2) make phone calls frequently 3) develop an action plan for your time 4) spend time out with people or in a public area.
- What are the unexpected opportunities that I react to and in which I want to act out?
Triggers
Everything we have reviewed could be considered a trigger. A trigger of location. A trigger of time. A trigger of opportunity. But there are also internal or emotional triggers that can create a vulnerable environment for us. When we are angry, sad, frustrated, lonely, disappointed, or hurt, we can feel the pull to run to masturbation to provide quick, temporary relief. It actually does work. For a few minutes, my body and the sensations I feel distract me from the painful or negative feelings I have. But then when it wears off, it adds shame and guilt and embarrassment to whatever feeling I already had. The 12-Step program guides us through our life to identify what has affected us, what our core values are, what the patterns have been in dealing with issues, and then dealing with my life issues in a healthy way. The unexpected emotional trigger can happen to anyone at any time. Some healthy ways to stay sober are: 1) check it in (sponsor or peer) 2) do some self-care 3) get into community.
- What emotions do I feel like running from the most?
- What are events or relationships that set off my most typical emotional triggers?