Recently I observed some behaviors and thought patterns in me that made me stop and think. These behaviors were not wrong and, in fact, quite normal. With a clear conscience I can say that it was not a pursuit of lust nor anything like it. But the thought patterns and how I was affected made me stop and think. I recognized them from earlier.
The behaviors I am talking about involved checking various social media sources – Facebook, Instagram, Twitter. I found that I was making the rounds to “check to see if there is anything new or interesting”, but those rounds were getting more frequent. The thing that I noticed most was that these rounds to “check” would result in extended sessions of time completely lost down the proverbial rabbit hole. If I did not get interrupted by an email, text, or phone call, I found that I could be “gone” for an hour or more.
When I noticed these patterns, I recognized it from past addictive behaviors. But this was different, right? I wasn’t actively pursuing lust. So, what was I pursuing? And was it a healthy thing? My instincts told me it wasn’t healthy, but I couldn’t yet verbalize why.
I had to admit, this felt like addictive behavior. It is the pursuit of something to fill me where I’m empty, to substitute emotional scenarios instead of mine, to try to connect to lives that I don’t have a connection to. It also appealed to FOMO, the fear of missing out, and wanting to know what others are doing, saying, valuing, feeling. Why? So that I can avoid making that feared social faux pas where I don’t know the current meme quote or what the latest viral news or topic that is swirling around our world?
So, I am seeking to control through information. I am running from my own thoughts, problems, and feelings. I am looking for meaning, value, and purpose in a passive way on a disconnected platform.
And along the way, I am being manipulated to think, feel, and react both negatively and positively. I am being influenced, persuaded, and criticized if I don’t share the correct values and views.
But mainly, I am being distracted from investing time, thought, and effort into the reality of my own life and those around me. I am distracted from perceiving my own thoughts and feelings. I am distracted from noting the struggle and discouragement of those around me. I am distracted from pushing forward in my recovery and sobriety instead of drifting.
I don’t want to be manipulated anymore. I don’t want to be distracted anymore. I have the ability to make decisions and choices that can take me in the direction. So I will.
It’s been 2 weeks since those apps left the surface of my phone. I don’t miss them. I am enjoying owning my own thoughts and occupying my own mind and feelings.