I have noticed this phenomenon enough times that I felt it might be helpful to describe it. It has to do with what we as addicts go through when we get physically sick (say a cold or the flu) and then as we begin to get better. There are a few pitfalls and cautions that are worth watching out for.
Getting Sick
My tendency to be utterly selfish and isolate from others does not bode well for how well my recovery will go while I am sick. Everybody reacts differently to these inconveniences and trials. Some whine, some mope, some soldier on bravely. In recovery, there is an opportunity to face even this differently from how I have faced it in the past. Here are some things to watch out for.
- An opportunity for pity – I may be tempted to use these unfair and uncomfortable circumstances (coughing, sneezing, fever) to expect or demand sympathy and pity. I might even see this as a validation that I have been working SO hard, so tirelessly, that it has run me into my death bed. Addicts are great at melodrama. I need to be careful to not let my self-centeredness get out of control and take care of myself while not ignoring or stepping on others in my family.
- An opportunity for acting out – If I am sick enough to have to stay in bed, acting out usually isn’t a problem when I am truly miserable. I never met anyone interested in masturbating while they were throwing up. But, as I begin to feel a bit better, I will likely be at home, alone, in bed for several days. This change to my schedule provides an opportunity that I usually don’t even have to deal with. I need to be careful to plan my time with a good Action Plan and continue checking in just like any other day. The ditch on either side of the road to recovery doesn’t care that I am sick in bed.
Getting Better
Depending on how miserable I felt during this cold or flu, it likely provided a short reprieve from the daily struggle with lust. I didn’t feel like watching porn or masturbating at all when I was feeling awful. I assumed that as I got better I would slip back into my normal routine of both life and recovery. But there can be a bit of a surprise backlash to watch out for.
- Withdrawal backlash – Depending on what my sobriety pattern was before I got sick, the artificially induced reprieve with immunity to lust provided a welcome stint of victory. As I get to feeling better and I get back on my feet, I may feel the wham of withdrawal hit me. For some reason I felt that these free days would be exempt from the chemical withdrawals. But once my body is functioning normally again, it will react to the interruption of my patterns as usual.
- Health backlash – This one is a little different. I experienced and expected the withdrawal to kick back in, but something else kicked in that I didn’t expect. It was different from the nagging, background withdrawal feelings. If I had to describe it, it would be plain, old-fashioned horniness. I was feeling frisky and adventurous probably due to the enjoyment of the health and non-misery I was feeling. I have heard that echoed enough times that it seems to be a thing. I guess as we recover our physical health, our bodies reset a lot of systems and turn them up on high for a bit. I need to watch out for that and brace for the double whammy of possible withdrawal and then the wave of horniness that might hit me too.