The SA definition of sobriety (from “What Is a Sexaholic and What Is Sexual Sobriety”) is: Any form of sex with one’s self or with partners other than the spouse is progressively addictive and destructive. The definition is clear and has been intentionally not modified to accommodate changing standards and morals in our society.
But situations can arise that can cause great worry and angst for the earnest sponsee who finds themselves asking the question “Do I need to reset my sobriety date? Here are some scenarios and some thoughts polished through many conversations with sponsees and sponsors.
Sexual Dreams
This is one of the first that a newly sober sponsee may encounter. We wake up feeling triggered, guilty, shameful. Sometimes we remember the content of the dream and sometimes we do not, but the feelings remain. Having a sexual dream is not sobriety resetting. But it really bothers us, and we feel guilty. A good recommendation on how to think about it is to consider “What is going on in other parts your life?” Examine your last few days for stress, fear, trauma, or anxiety. If these are present in your life, your subconscious mind and body may be suggesting a solution to how you have handled these situations in the past. You have trained your mind and body over many years. Their suggestion is understandable, but unwelcome. Check it in with your sponsor, identify the anxiety or stress in your life, and talk about the self-care you can choose to deal with it in a healthy way.
Wet Dreams
This is related to the situation above, but goes one step further. After years of frequent and regular ejaculation, our bodies may react to the sudden stop and will need some time to adjust. It is hard to say if a nocturnal seminal emission (the technical term) is caused by vivid sexual dreams and triggers a spontaneous ejaculation or if the body needs to release excess semen and triggers vivid sexual dreams. Regardless, it is very disturbing to someone trying to remain sober. I have found the most useful way to think about it is to ask “Was I intentionally choosing to use lust as a coping mechanism?” In this scenario, the answer is no. I did not choose this. I feel ambushed. And the vivid sexual dreams stir up feelings and memories that make me feel shameful and guilty. I recommend that you check it in, discuss it with your sponsor, acknowledge those feelings of shame and guilt, and practice some self-care as soon as you can to help you deal with those feelings.
Aborted Landings
Solo – This one may take several forms. In essence, it is any scenario where you are heading towards acting out personally, begin the process, but then stop because you realize you do not want to do that. This would include personal situations such as rubbing yourself through your pants, putting your hands down your shorts, or washing yourself in the shower a little too long. If you did not ejaculate, you may technically think you did not break your sobriety. But edging is the intentional pursuit of stimulation and pleasure without ejaculation. You will notice that the SA definition of sobriety isn’t “No ejaculating”. Once again, the best measure is your intention and choice to pursue lust as a coping mechanism. If you accidentally and unintentionally stimulated yourself and stopped, you may not be guilty of breaking your sobriety…the first time. After 12 repetitions of this, you are just playing games. You are obviously choosing to pursue lust and have broken your sobriety, regardless of whether you ejaculated or not. I recommend you check it in, discuss it with your sponsor, and discuss what your motivations and choices were to determine how to handle your sobriety.
Accompanied – It is possible that in some interpersonal situations (sexual activity with another person) it might be possible to not break sobriety. But it might be a rare situation where you have begun the process of sexual activity (kissing, clothed touching, unclothed touching), but decide to suddenly stop. Not impossible, but rare. The situation is difficult to judge as there are two people involved. The other person may be the initiator. How many choice points were crossed along that process? It is difficult to think clearly in situations like that. But a strong choice to not proceed and instead, to choose sobriety is possible. Again, this may only be applicable the first time it happens. If it is happening over and over, you are playing games. I recommend you check it in, discuss it with your sponsor, and talk about what your motivations and choices were to determine how to handle your sobriety.
Porn Only
This one is a difficult case to determine. It is an obvious choice to pursue lust, but it doesn’t result in “sex with one’s self”. For many, the word “Only” does not appear in their experience (meaning it always results in masturbation), so it is a moot point. For the earnest sponsee that is desiring sobriety, if he begins the process towards acting out, but stops after looking at porn, that is typically not sobriety breaking. But similar to the situation of aborting sex with another person, it is rare and certainly not the path toward recovery.
Medical Situations
This case would involve scenarios where there is a medical situation involving the functioning of your equipment. Post-vasectomy, if you are told to flush the pipes 10 times over the next few days and then bring in a sample, that would be considered outside the realm of sobriety and recovery. But if you voluntarily flush the pipes 80 times during this window, you are playing games and taking advantage of your “free pass.” Erectile Dysfunction (ED) is a real thing and can happen even to young, healthy men. PIED (Porn-induced erectile dysfunction) is becoming more common. This would normally be an issue for someone in a married relationship where their on-going sexual relationship with their spouse is affected by ED. These problems can be caused by physical issues, but also by stress and performance anxiety. In situations such as this, it is understandable to want to test your equipment to see if it is working. Some have worried whether rubbing or stroking themselves to see if they can achieve an erection should be sobriety resetting. Use the same guideline of whether you were choosing lust as a coping mechanism to examine your motivations and choices. I recommend you discuss these issues with your sponsor or someone who has experience in this area in the fellowship.
See also Dry Drunk