I have a secret. And it might sound like good news. We are not addicted to sex.
After any time at all in this program, you are probably shaking your head. Because if we have proven or are certain of anything after being in this program, it is that we are addicted to sex. But after 8 years in this program and learning and growing and being involved in many lives, I am beginning to see something. And it isn’t really good news.
It isn’t just sex that we are addicted to. It is much worse. And bad news. We are addicted to SELF.
We are completely and wholly dedicated to ourselves. Our own egos, our pride, our feelings, our pleasure, our own thoughts, our own opinions, our own decisions. We have done everything to get to autonomy and independence.
I am not describing only the strong, rebellious, forceful character that we imagine shaking his fist in the sky and daring the world to cross our paths and stand in our way. I am also describing the one who has withdrawn in fear and isolation, pulled back from every contact, vulnerability, weakness, or past painful memory to prevent any possibility of recurrence. That is also the way of self.
Somewhere along the path, we realized that no one was going to swoop in and rescue us; no one was going to pluck us out of the pain, the hurt, the fear. So we had to figure out the best way with what we had at that time. Which wasn’t much.
So we looked for the best methods, the acceptable actions, attitudes, facial expressions, and words that were expected, approved, and demanded. And we learned how to plaster them on our faces. But it didn’t change the pain, the hurt, the ache, the loneliness, the fear.
So we also explored the most potent potions, the chemicals, and processes that would release the hormones that would either distract with excitement, or soothe the pain, or numb the ache. Even when we knew it was only temporary. Even when we knew it was giving up, not caring anymore, and tossing in the towel. Even when we knew it would damage, corrode, erode, and destroy us.
But it isn’t just the chemicals or hormones stolen from body systems that were hijacked to serve our selfish purposes. That constant inward bent, the swirling in my own ego-driven world, the complete focus on me, my problems, my wants… also damages, corrodes, erodes, and destroys me. Not just my body. But my soul. My heart.
I am built for something more. I am designed to see, hear, and respond to the words, feelings and situations of those around me. I am designed to have compassion, empathy towards those around me…expressed in other-care. And I am astonished how I feel when I finally see my own self-centeredness and egoism, and begin to reject it, and step outside of myself to be touched by the lives of others. And then to be so bold as to reach out to touch another’s life – because I have heard, I have seen, I have cared, I have been touched. I can feel their pain, I can experience their suffering….and I am moved to do something, to help, provide something, even if just a word, a look, a smile, a hug. Or even more – like to make a contribution to meet a need, to begin an ongoing practice of selfless service with no reward – other than this mysterious glow inside me when I practice selflessness. It feels really good. It feels like something that gives me value and purpose, that reminds me I am human, and makes me realize my own pain has had a purpose. It has enabled me to recognize it in others.
As I learn to see myself as I really am, to admit my utter selfishness, as I learn how to surrender my control, to let go of those things that spark anger and frustration, I realize I am plowing the hard-packed, lifeless soil of my life. As I let things like honesty, vulnerability, disciplines such as prayer and meditation become a part of my life, and allow my twisted views and perceptions about my Higher Power to be corrected, re-perceived, and received…I notice that this patch of soil has been watered, warmed, and nourished by the new ingredients in my life: peace, tranquility, serenity, freedom. Certainly not perfection, and not in such quantities that all my previous struggles and frustrations are gone, but enough to make a difference. These ingredients have become a part of my new soul diet. I didn’t realize I had been starving.
But the most astonishing thing is when something appears in this patch of tilled and tended soil. A quality, a trait that has not been a part of my life. It is usually noticed by others first. And my first reaction is that it wasn’t something I was pursuing or working on. And then it dawns on me. It is the fruit. It is part of the promises and blessings. It is the result of seeds I did not plant. It is Someone Else’s work. For these things were not in me before.
So, I guess there is good news after all.