In February 2016, I attended my first SA Winter Fellowship. I had just hit 6 months of sobriety for the first time in my life. I was asked to share my story as part of the program during the retreat. I realize that I learned a lot in 8 months from where I was at my First Step in June of 2015.
February, 2016 – Surfside Beach, SC
I was pondering what part of my story I should share with you all, and I realized I wanted to share my journey through SA. Why? Because each of you make up a part of this fellowship and organization. And though we are not perfect (pause for laughter), the environment that is created, permits and assists us to safely walk down this difficult path to places we never thought we could reach.
A little over a year ago, I crashed my carefully crafted life filled with lies, deception, and manipulation in which I pursued lust through pornography, masturbation, massage parlors, finding anonymous sex partners online, and serial sexual relationships.
I didn’t think my marriage would survive. I didn’t think I would survive. I’m not sure the words terror, horror, or petrified are adequate to describe my emotional state. I was lost and hopeless and could not even imagine how anything would ever change where I would not be in fear or dread. I couldn’t even conceive of a state where happiness or peace would exist for me ever again.
My life of sexual addiction had not always been that advanced. It had started out with fantasy and masturbation as a way of coping with and dealing with the pain and hurt in my life. In my early adult years, I gained access to porn which slowly over time increased my appetite and pursuit of lust. It eventually got to the point where it was a daily obsession and a compulsion every waking moment. I did not have full ownership of my mind or my will. I was renting it from my lust. And it was a mean landlord.
When I first came into these rooms, I was shocked, as I have heard so many of you say, by the atmosphere of honesty, vulnerability, and confession. It was so opposite to what my inner world was like. It was terrifying and refreshing at the same time.
And I was introduced to new relationships, readings, and tools, that I had never had before. At first the words of the readings just floated past my head. They sounded good, but I was still in shock. And then different phrases would jump out at me and made so much sense. Over time they became a comfort to hear, again and again, because I forget again and again. Now, I listen for my favorite parts and they are a sweet comfort to me.
And then there was the relationships. Again, something I had never had. Guys that I could understand so well because we were in the same place. And that needed the same thing I needed. I was encouraged to reach out and connect, both for my sake and for theirs. I was like a dying man in a dessert crawling towards water. Those calls and texts early on were such a lifeline for me. They became stiches in the torn fabric of my life. They were helping to keep me together.
And then there was my sponsor. I had not anticipated, nor dreamed, the things that I needed to learn, to be taught, to have illustrated, or to hear from someone. The disciplines I learned through daily calls, working the steps, checking things in, with guidance and support, put me on a path away from the insanity. It felt good. I enjoyed a reprieve from struggle and felt that I had found the exit.
But after working my 4th step, in my overly thorough way, I found that there were things still inside me that I was wanting and pursuing to meet my needs. And I made a bad choice. I had to reset my sobriety date. That hurt. I didn’t want to tell my sponsor. I didn’t want to tell you. But mainly I was scared that I might end up with a stack of 3 month chips in my dresser drawer because that would be as far as I could ever get. But I realized that this hurt was a gift. I had never cared before. I realized it was a gift because it would motivate me to fight for what I knew was still ahead.
I continued working through my steps. I knew Step 8 was out there in front of me and the dread was already beginning to form. You see, my most cherished role in all the earth is being Daddy to my two daughters. And the things I feared the most was having to tell them that I wasn’t what they thought I was. They knew something had happened in my life recently, and I needed to explain with appropriate details, what had happened. I agonized for several weeks and wrote multiple versions, got lots of input, until I finally had the final version. I don’t think I would have made it through without the help, support, and input of my sponsor and many of you.
And then I got to Step 11. This is the one I was really afraid of. My distant but respectful relationship with my Higher Power was in need of repair as well. I had been asking for help all along through the Step 3 prayers and Step 7. But it felt like a showdown was needed, actually, a conversation, and I didn’t know how to do that. But it turns out that I did, but I was approaching this conversation from only one side. I had heard somebody in the fellowship share something about listening to my Higher Power, so I was encouraged to try that. Actually I was a bit more blunt than that. I said “I’m not moving till I hear from You.” I wasn’t prepared for the connection I experienced and the desire for a relationship with ME that I sensed from His side. I had some really wrong assumptions and thinking that needed to be corrected. I felt the barriers in me where melting and I, at last, was able to have an open and honest conversation and relationship with my Higher Power.
The concept of surrender that I had heard discussed and shared many times in our meetings was elusive and hard to grasp. I could say the words, but I couldn’t understand how it translated into my life. For the next several days I continued listening and conversing in this new relationship. I had a lot of catching up to do and I think I was chattering non-stop. I came to understand that there were things broken and damaged in me that felt like needs. I knew these needs well. I had spent my life using everything I could to meet those needs. I saw so clearly that I had been running again and again to the same dry wells to slake my desperate thirst. It seemed so natural and logical to simply ask Him, Can You meet my needs? Then I won’t run after things that I know will damage me and others. I knew the answer before I finished asking it. But I didn’t know what it would feel like when I really needed Him to meet the need that was starting to propel and drive me where I didn’t want to go. The question changed to Will You meet my need…now? Every time that I have asked, He has. But like thirst, I know it isn’t removed forever. It is met, for now. The next time, all I have to do is ask.
I think I have found what surrender means. But instead of the picture of letting go of something, it feels like I am clinging to something that is saving my life.
I think I have found the door, and the key. But not to let me out. But to let Someone else in. That has made all the difference.