As I have learned to become honest and vulnerable within the fellowship, I have benefited from the freedom and community from sharing and admitting where I really am. But I often notice that I am still playing mental games in my own mind.
Illustration
This process can be easily seen in how kids act around a pool when they are told NOT to go in it. Inevitably, the kids will play near the pool, getting closer and closer, dipping their toes in, daring each other to push someone in, tight-rope walking along the edge, or splashing each other. I call this mind game “skirting the pool”. I try to get as close to lust as possible, and yet not do anything that is “technically” wrong or prohibited. But like the kids, if I “accidentally” fall into the pool, it won’t be my fault.
Definition
A mind game is a deeply ingrained thought process that is a part of my lust ritual that is difficult to detect, to see, and to undo. It is usually behind the excuses that I use to convince myself that I am not pursuing lust, when an objective observer knows quite well that I am. Maybe the best way to understand it is to review some examples.
Examples of Excuse -> Reality
Surfing sports athletes on Instagram
What I am actually doing is: Searching for sweaty, shapely bodies in athletic gear for stimulation of my lust
Posting on Facebook to get some likes or comments
What I am actually doing is: Wanting to connect for approval and affirmation or to fuel my fantasy
Scanning an online dating site
What I am actually doing is: Searching for attention, approval, and possible companionship to fuel my fantasy
Scanning channels looking for something to watch
What I am actually doing is: Searching for something racy or sensual to stimulate my lust
Declining an invitation because I’m tired
What I am actually doing is: Wanting to spend an extended period of time alone and unmonitored to allow for the pursuit of lust and acting out
Going to the mall or other crowded place
What I am actually doing is: Wanting to scan for attractive bodies and faces to stimulate my lust and fantasy
Mind Game Detectors
Here are some good questions to ask to see if you are externally being consistent in your recovery and sobriety, while internally allowing for and pursuing things that may result in you falling into the pool and it not being your fault.
- Do you have any private or hidden email accounts?
- Do you have a burner phone or second hidden number?
- Do you have any contacts in your phone that you wouldn’t want anyone to see?
- Do you have any apps that are able to access racy, sensual, or pornographic content?
- Do you have any social apps on your phone to exchange texts or pictures with strangers?