When we first enter the SA rooms, we realize that everyone is trying to stop the addictive and offensive behavior that got us into trouble. We also realize that the main behavior that each person is working to control is different. We don’t have color-coded labels or anything, but after hearing First Steps and shares, we realize that some are wrestling with one or more of these:
- Porn
- Masturbation
- Online/Phone Sex
- Massage parlors
- Strip clubs
- Prostitution
- Anonymous hookups
- Affairs
Some go further into darker pursuits when they find the entry activities don’t have the spice and excitement like they used to.
Regardless of what activity brought us into SA, we tend to focus on NOT doing THAT as what represents sobriety. So we try to be clear in finding the definitions and conditions of what outlines those behaviors. For example, we assume…
- Porn is looking at sexual images or videos
- Masturbation is rubbing our penises to ejaculation
- An affair is having sex with someone not your spouse
But somewhere along our journey of learning, there is a progression in our realization and acceptance that we are focusing on the external behaviors only.
- Porn is not just images and videos. We can channel or web surf looking for something racy or suggestive just to get a lust hit. It can also be pursued in replaying our memories or explored in fantasies in our imaginations.
- Masturbation is not limited to achieving an ejaculation. We can pursue self-pleasure and stimulation in many different ways. Not admitting that edging, vibrators, or water streams are forms of masturbation is playing games with the definitions.
- An affair doesn’t start with a sexual act. There is a long road of flirtation, suggestive talk, crossed boundaries, and emotional connection that precedes the sexual activity.
Regardless of what your apex behavior (furthest line you crossed) was, there is a progression over time of understanding that it isn’t just the external behaviors, but the internal motivations of the heart is what we need to focus on.
The fellowship uses the phrase “the pursuit of lust” as the over-arching focus of our addiction. That doesn’t make sense until we realize what is behind our actions and behaviors. And the best way to do that is to work through the Steps. Once we understand how we are using lust, both the actions and the emotional lust hits, and what we are wanting lust to do for us, we can begin the process of recovery into a healthy life.
Also see External & Internal, How Did I Get Here?