We are asked in Step 8 to make a list of those we have harmed and to whom we are willing to make amends. Amends come in a variety of flavors. In each of these, we defer to not causing any further harm to ourself or others. Sometimes that means that we choose a different method to communicate, or one that doesn’t communicate at all. Amends don’t always have to be about our sexual behaviors. Some of those damaged people may have been the victims of our anger, harshness, manipulation, or rejection.
In-Person Amends
This is where you are able to have a face-to-face talk with someone and ask for their forgiveness for the hurt or damage you may have caused. These are pretty gut-wrenching to do. One of the things I most dreaded in my recovery, was having to read the 5 pages of an attempt at an explanation to my two grown daughters. But I knew I should. I also did an in-person amends to my wife, but it was 3 years after everything came out and I started recovery. It meant a lot more now that I had done much of the work.
Email or Letter Amends
This involves a letter or an email in which we explain where we were wrong and ask the other person to forgive us. We usually also mention that there is no obligation to reply, though we often want to know what they thought.
Unsent Letters
In many situations related to our sexual behaviors, it would be unwise to try to contact former acting out partners or people we harmed many years ago. There is still value in writing what we would need to say, admitting where we were wrong, and asking for forgiveness, but then never sending the letter. It is still helpful for me to go through the process. I had to write a lot of unsent letters to those that I had harmed and damaged and didn’t even know their names.
Living Amends
For those with whom we are still in relationship, like our spouses or children, it often doesn’t seem like an admission of guilt and asking for forgiveness is enough. The amount of pain and damage we caused cannot be swept away by some words. So we have the hardest amends of all – the living amends.
It cannot be promised, or written down, or pledged. It cannot be reported on in graphs or charts. It cannot be checked off a list or completed in a matter of weeks. It might take the rest of your life. The living amends can only be completed by me living out the promises and pledges to become a different person and to deal with my issues consistently.
It is me realizing that the only amends that will show my wife or other loved one that I am sorry for the pain and damage I inflicted is to change my actions, emotions, and behaviors. And not just superficially. Not because someone is watching me. This isn’t me just biting my tongue to keep the angry words from coming out. It is me not reacting angrily anymore. This isn’t me just staying away from porn and sexual behaviors. It is me not wanting to run after those anymore. These are fundamental changes deep inside me. And it will require the involvement of my Higher Power, my brothers in the fellowship, and my own committed determination to fulfill this living amends.
The living amends is sometimes the only one we can strive to do because the person to whom we owe the amends is no longer with us. It is still an effective goal and motivation to make someone proud of us and the man we have become…even if they aren’t here to see it.