We borrow this phrase from our brothers in AA. It is the description of someone that technically meets the definition of sobriety externally, but internally they are still pursuing the same things they did before. Our brothers in AA have an advantage over us. They can’t pursue alcohol in their minds like we can pursue lust in ours.
A dry lust drunk is someone who can claim to be sober (no masturbation and no sex with anyone outside your marriage), but is still pursuing lust as a solution to their needs in the area of loneliness, boredom, anger, fear, stress or other life issues. We contrast this with the term “positive sobriety”. So, by inference, this would be “negative sobriety”.
For those among us that are particularly performance driven (box checking, approval seeking), realizing this can be shocking or hurtful. Our families, churches, and society have taught us that if we can meet a requirement – check a box, we are OK. Unfortunately this has taught us that what I portray to others externally does not need to match what is happening on the inside. So, I learn the rules, the parameters, the requirements, and then strive to achieve that in order to measure my progress. And I proudly claim sobriety because I haven’t masturbated in 3 months. What I may not be admitting is that I was taking sips of pornography at least several times a week and engaging in recall and fantasy when I couldn’t. I may also have been touching and stimulating my penis to the point of erection, but not ejaculation. So I may claim that by the technical definition, I have not broken sobriety. But I know in my heart, that I am not sober.
And this leads us to the challenge of positive sobriety. This is where I don’t just stop the behaviors of pornography and masturbation, but where I stop running to lust mentally or emotionally to provide a coping mechanism for the issues in my life. This involves replacing lust as a solution with healthy options. The replacement aspect is important. We can’t just drop the one coping mechanism that may have kept us sane or still alive on this earth. We need to find and pursue the more permanent, the healthier solution. This program will tell me that is in a relationship with my Higher Power, a healthy relationship with my brothers in community, and a healthy relationship based on truth with myself.
See also Determining Sobriety