Bookending is another tool in your sobriety toolbox that can help you quickly check-in a period in which you will be alone, be in a triggering place, or know that you will face some rough circumstances. Notifying your sponsor (or anyone) at the start and end of a period of risk or alone time is called “bookending”. You are putting a bookend at the start and inviting someone to ask you about that time when you close it with the other bookend.
How does it work?
When you know that you will be in a risky place or environment, you determine ahead of time, to phone it in. Here is an example:
- Situation: Driving downtown or in areas of the city that have been sites for acting out in the past
- Bookend 1: Call or text your sponsor and say “I will be going downtown for a meeting from 1:00 to 2:00 today.”
- Bookend 2: Shortly after 2:00, call or text your sponsor and say “I am leaving downtown and driving straight back to my office”
That was a real example from my life where I learned the value of bookending. I would be gripped with fear and have overwhelming and triggering thoughts. Checking it in like this really helped me get past that and make good choices.
At first, when I would call my sponsor, he would say something like “If I don’t hear from you by 2:10, I will call you to check on you.” He never had to call me as that helped me to always remember to check back in with him. AND…I never had to not answer his call because I wasn’t where I shouldn’t be or doing what I shouldn’t be doing.
More Examples
- Situation: Being alone at home (wife/family away) or in a hotel on business trip
- Bookend 1: I will be alone this evening. I have made my action plan and will be heading to bed by 10:30
- Bookend 2: (Sometimes the next morning) I followed my action plan last night. I struggled some but am sober.
- Situation: Having to be in highly toxic relationship situations (family, work, parties)
- Bookend 1: I have to attend a business social event that will be some colleagues there that are triggering for me. There will be a lot of drinking. I want to make good choices and not do any flirting.
- Bookend 2: I made good choices – only 1 drink, I avoided talking with flirty girls, I had a good conversation with someone that felt like real talk and not just banter.
One-Sided Bookend
Sometimes during struggles late at night, we feel really hesitant to reach out and call anyone or even text. But most sponsors have figured out how to silence their phone or put them on vibrate. This is where one-sided bookends work.
You text or call and leave a voice mail that says “I am really struggling and am really wanting to act out. I am going to read in the White Book, review my Surrender Prayer, and then go to bed.”
In the morning, your sponsor can text or call you back and ask “How did you do last night”. It can have the same positive effect on us knowing that someone will be asking a question and holding me accountable, even if it is tomorrow morning.