I discuss the topic of resetting your sobriety in “Determining Sobriety” including aborted acting out in masturbation that does not continue to ejaculation. This topic deals with a change in your thinking that makes you wonder if you should reset your sobriety date due to your thinking and actions that you now wonder about.
Technical Definition
Some of these scenarios would likely include uncompleted sexual intercourse or masturbation that did not result in an ejaculation. If we are trying to claim sobriety because we stopped before ejaculation after getting naked and engaging in sex with someone other than our spouse, we are fooling ourselves and playing games. If we are manually stimulating ourselves in any way (edging, vibrator, sex toy, water stream, etc.) that results in sexual excitement, even if it doesn’t end in ejaculation, we are deceiving ourselves if we say we are still sober. The truth is we were pursuing lust and sexual stimulation and were looking for a way to get away with it. If you were practicing this kind of game playing for a number of weeks or months and then realize that you should not have counted those days as sober, it would make sense to reset your sobriety to the last true sober day you had. It would be good to discuss your thoughts with your sponsor and how to share this with the fellowship.
Internal Definition
For married couples, there can be a possible situation where we are able to use the legal loophole of “sex with my spouse” but we are actually still pursuing lust in a sexual release. We have just switched out our spouse for our own hand. This is a more complex scenario as it involves motivation and intent that is often hard to determine. It is difficult to determine when sexual release, even the legal kind, is healthy or unhealthy. Some things to consider:
- Our understanding of sobriety will progress over time. We should not reset our past sobriety date every time we learn something new. It is a progressive timeline. As we grow and mature, we will adjust our future actions. But that does not necessarily invalidate all our previous sobriety.
- It is a matter of conscience. If you are ashamed of your past actions and do not feel comfortable claiming sobriety, then reset your date. If you are OK that you understand more now and that you in good conscience thought you were doing what was required, then leave your date where it is.
- There is more than one person involved. It would be best to discuss this with your spouse and get their input and opinion, even if that would be awkward.
- You are the only one that can determine your intention. You are the only one that is aware of where your thoughts were, what you were pursuing, and whether it was the pursuit of lust or marital intimacy.
You definitely should talk this over with your sponsor and give it some time before you make your decision. What you want to avoid is a sliding scale of perfection that will be impossible to achieve. But we also want to honor the program’s definition of sobriety, even though it doesn’t describe any more details regarding sex with a spouse. Regardless of your decision, your example may encourage others with your thinking and reflection in this area.